Thoughts are an integral part of who we were, who we are, and who we will be. Similarly, beliefs represent our world view. Thoughts and beliefs play a significant role in how we interact with the world and ourselves. Our beliefs inform our thoughts and thoughts inform our beliefs. Abuse and neglect, particularly as children, disrupts these leaving survivors deeply distressed and confused.
This disruption of a secure internal emotional world is one the most consequential impacts of complex trauma. Trauma changes the way we think about ourselves. They are made to believe, moment by moment, that they are not worth saving, that they are not enough. Survivors of complex trauma experience deeply entrenched thoughts of grief, sadness, self-loathing, and self-doubt. Their thoughts get so entangled with each other that it feels like they are walking around with a huge entangled, muddled, and enmeshed grey cloud over their heads. We are mostly unaware of how unquestionably we believe everything we think. Furthermore, the majority of conversations we have in a day are with ourselves, through our thoughts. Deep inside us, there is a constant internal dialogue and these conversations yield immense power over us. They represent the core of us and are an innate part of our being.
In individuals with complex trauma, thoughts can become unfriendly, judgmental, and harsh. They represent the things we have been told about us by others, primarily the abusers. The consequences of prolonged and layered abuse and neglect are devastating.
For women, there are so many additional layers of trauma/ The patriarchal societal norms that women live under are inherently disempowering and dehumanizing. The effects of intimate partner violence, childhood sexual abuse, war, and illness are far-reaching and severely adverse. Traumatized women experience intense self-blame and sadly begin to question their sanity and self-worth.
The first step in cognitive recovery from complex trauma is to observe our thoughts, notice what we are telling ourselves, and foster self-awareness. To understand something and/or change something, we must first be aware of it.
I am hopeful the following activity would be helpful:
Find a quiet time in your day. If there is none, improvise and figure out how to fit in small breaks in your daily routine. For instance, some of the best thinking I do is in the shower or just before going to bed. I'd suggest keeping a journal and pen close. Settle down comfortably and in silence. If you find it difficult to stay still, you can walk around slowly. Let your thoughts and mind wander. Follow them and observe them for 5 - 10 minutes. Notice what is coming up for you. Observe what you are thinking. You will repeatedly engage with your thoughts and will have to repeatedly and consciously disengage. Once you become aware of your thoughts, look for patterns. For instance, you may notice that when you are already stressed, your thought process is more self-negating and harsh.
Once done, take 5 minutes to put your observations on paper. Your writing can be unstructured or in a table. You may be surprised by a few while recognizing others instantly. Keep adding to this journal. The idea is to, as a first step, foster self-awareness. Before you can clear out a room, you need to look at what all is there, wade through the things, see what is helpful thus needed and what is unhelpful and pack away.
Cheers to a more aware world!
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